"...you and me forever, baby..."

currently listening to:
dave matthews band :: baby blue

today has been one of THOSE days...
i haven't had one in a while...
sooo i'm just going to get it all out...
because
tomorrow is a new, non-sappy day.

i forgot how much i don't like sleeping alone. see...this is why i really shouldn't get involved in holiday flings. no matter your initial intentions, or the fact that you both know that it will end when it's time to go separate ways...it's always a reminder of how it's nice just to have someone. which is the exact reason why i shouldn't.
it's just easy to get sucked into them....
someone to snuggle with when it's 20° outside.
someone to kiss until you're literally exhausted.
someone to hang out with when you've had enough fam time.
someone to play [pretend] bf/gf with. [that game has been on the shelf collecting dust]
it was fun while it lasted, but now it's time to head back to reality...where the only man in my life chews raw hides.
the airport is always sort of depressing to me. especially around the holidays [the worst time of year for a single person -- at least it is for me]. i had to witness not only couples hand-in-hand, but traveling together. the worst. that's the one thing i long for the most. someone to travel and share that experience with. or. i hope that one day if i am having to travel alone [for whatever reason] that i get to land to someone that i adore [and that also adores me] waiting for me @ the arrivals gate with an i don't want to be away from you for another second hug & flowers.
i worry that my desire of wanting someone special in my life will overshadow my judgment in us truly being a good match.
and this is why:

i'm afraid that i'm not going to give anyone a chance because i finally let myself become vulnerable again and it didn't work out. what if i write any possibilities off before i give them a chance because of future living destinations. i want to move away for a little while. some people don't understand this. they don't see why i can't just travel but stay here. it's just something i think i need to experience. i don't know why really. i can't really explain it to myself. it's just this deep desire i have. mom thinks that if i were to find someone before the time came to move away that i might change my mind about relocating. but. would that then make me resentful?
i absolutely LOVE getting to know new people and finding out what makes people tick...but...it's the actual dating process that i LOATHE. it's because @ a certain point most people (men & women) don't date to pass the time. so you both know that in a way you're just going through this mental checklist every time you're together trying to see how compatible the two of you really are. and sometimes you both realize early that the two of you would never work and everyone gets out just fine. but sometimes you have to prolong the process and someone gets hurt. can i just skip over all of the what ifs to oh em gee we're the perfect fit, and i want to share the rest of my life with you? kthanks.
i'm excited about what this year has in store for me, but i'm also terrified. i have some really big decisions to make. grown up decisions. i've been avoiding them for a while now. i don't know what i'm going to do, and choosing what is most comfortable sounds best. but i know that what is most comfortable is not what will make me the happiest in the end. getting out of my iridescent (with mainly shades of chartreuse) bubble is what i need to do.
my lease in tuscaloosa runs out in august. where do i move next?
where do i want to go for grad school? should i move to birmingham and do the tuscaloosa commute for grad school? should i move far away and choose the online grad school option? do i move to the question mark destination, take a semester off and work. do i immediately jump into the whole grad school thing? it's so overwhelming. i have no one & nothing tying me down...which is great...kind of...but...it makes it harder because it makes the options unlimited. i never have been good with several options. or really anymore than 1 option. i wish that it was easier for me to just pack & go and not weigh the costs/benefits. the thought of not being near my people hurts my heart. i already live extremely too far away from 1. being away from all of them terrifies me. it's just so much easier to decide and to do something insane when you have a wing-man.
i'm ridiculous and have watched entirely too many romantic movies. whatever. i just have to make it to anti-valentine's day and singles awareness season is over! 1 month & 4 days. no biggie.