"...somehow everything's gonna fall right into place..."

currently listening to:
paramore :: hallelujah (acoustic)

[thanks t. ^ you've always had the best taste. ;) ]

breathe in.
and.
releaseeeeeee.......

when given bad news most people show some type of emotion...sadness, hurt, anger, etc. me? nothing. i am numb. the only time that i have felt emotion about this situation is when people judge me for not showing any. and then...i feel anger. who are you to tell me how i SHOULD feel? who are you to tell me how i SHOULD respond? it's true...you really can't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. i've always believed in this statement, but my current situation has TRULY shown me exactly what that means. how come some of the most sensitive people can be so insensitive sometimes? everyone deals with things differently. i'm such an open person, but i've never been more closed off. it's impossible to know how i feel, and understand where i'm coming from unless you REALLY know me or understand everything. and even people who i THOUGHT knew me don't get it so it's easier for me just to close myself off. i'd rather not discuss it. i'm exhausted from trying to explain myself. i'm also enraged at the hypocrisy. it's just sick. don't act like you care just to win sympathy or whatever it is that you're trying to achieve. that's all you've EVER been... words. words. words. and i'm so tired of people using networking sites to post (what should be) PRIVATE things. just stop. seriously.
once again, i am so grateful to those who (even if they don't completely understand) are just there for me. no questions asked. i love you. forever.

"...a lot of y'all still soundin' like last year..."

current repeats:
drake (featuring trey songz & 'lil wayne) :: successful
'lil wayne :: on fire

weezy f. baby + hot, english breakfast tea [in my orange, bff mug] is the best way to start my day. you're SO last year. i no longer rearrange my iCal for you or any other boy for that matter. i left that cait back in 2oo9.
it's funny how you can go from being sappy to disgusted in no time.
i am so absolutely grossed out by:

• games.
  [say what you mean and mean what you say. not a hard concept to follow.]
  

• disrespect.
  [did your mother never teach you that some things shouldn't be said when a female is present? save your "boy talk" when it's JUST the boys. kthanks.]
  
  
• whores.
  [i'm sorry that you're "frustrated", but that isn't my problem. pretty sure that you can handle that one on your own. literally.]
  
  [i am truly REPULSED to the core that some people actually believe that saying i love you should result in sex. WRONG. good try though.]
  

"...you and me forever, baby..."

currently listening to:
dave matthews band :: baby blue

today has been one of THOSE days...
i haven't had one in a while...
sooo i'm just going to get it all out...
because
tomorrow is a new, non-sappy day.

i forgot how much i don't like sleeping alone. see...this is why i really shouldn't get involved in holiday flings. no matter your initial intentions, or the fact that you both know that it will end when it's time to go separate ways...it's always a reminder of how it's nice just to have someone. which is the exact reason why i shouldn't.
it's just easy to get sucked into them....
someone to snuggle with when it's 20° outside.
someone to kiss until you're literally exhausted.
someone to hang out with when you've had enough fam time.
someone to play [pretend] bf/gf with. [that game has been on the shelf collecting dust]
it was fun while it lasted, but now it's time to head back to reality...where the only man in my life chews raw hides.
the airport is always sort of depressing to me. especially around the holidays [the worst time of year for a single person -- at least it is for me]. i had to witness not only couples hand-in-hand, but traveling together. the worst. that's the one thing i long for the most. someone to travel and share that experience with. or. i hope that one day if i am having to travel alone [for whatever reason] that i get to land to someone that i adore [and that also adores me] waiting for me @ the arrivals gate with an i don't want to be away from you for another second hug & flowers.
i worry that my desire of wanting someone special in my life will overshadow my judgment in us truly being a good match.
and this is why:

i'm afraid that i'm not going to give anyone a chance because i finally let myself become vulnerable again and it didn't work out. what if i write any possibilities off before i give them a chance because of future living destinations. i want to move away for a little while. some people don't understand this. they don't see why i can't just travel but stay here. it's just something i think i need to experience. i don't know why really. i can't really explain it to myself. it's just this deep desire i have. mom thinks that if i were to find someone before the time came to move away that i might change my mind about relocating. but. would that then make me resentful?
i absolutely LOVE getting to know new people and finding out what makes people tick...but...it's the actual dating process that i LOATHE. it's because @ a certain point most people (men & women) don't date to pass the time. so you both know that in a way you're just going through this mental checklist every time you're together trying to see how compatible the two of you really are. and sometimes you both realize early that the two of you would never work and everyone gets out just fine. but sometimes you have to prolong the process and someone gets hurt. can i just skip over all of the what ifs to oh em gee we're the perfect fit, and i want to share the rest of my life with you? kthanks.
i'm excited about what this year has in store for me, but i'm also terrified. i have some really big decisions to make. grown up decisions. i've been avoiding them for a while now. i don't know what i'm going to do, and choosing what is most comfortable sounds best. but i know that what is most comfortable is not what will make me the happiest in the end. getting out of my iridescent (with mainly shades of chartreuse) bubble is what i need to do.
my lease in tuscaloosa runs out in august. where do i move next?
where do i want to go for grad school? should i move to birmingham and do the tuscaloosa commute for grad school? should i move far away and choose the online grad school option? do i move to the question mark destination, take a semester off and work. do i immediately jump into the whole grad school thing? it's so overwhelming. i have no one & nothing tying me down...which is great...kind of...but...it makes it harder because it makes the options unlimited. i never have been good with several options. or really anymore than 1 option. i wish that it was easier for me to just pack & go and not weigh the costs/benefits. the thought of not being near my people hurts my heart. i already live extremely too far away from 1. being away from all of them terrifies me. it's just so much easier to decide and to do something insane when you have a wing-man.
i'm ridiculous and have watched entirely too many romantic movies. whatever. i just have to make it to anti-valentine's day and singles awareness season is over! 1 month & 4 days. no biggie.

"...i've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason..."

...who can say if i've been changed for the better?

but because i knew you

i have been changed for good.

so much of me

is made of what i learned from you.

you'll be with me

like a handprint on my heart,

and now whatever way our stories end

i know you have re-written mine

by being my friend..."

currently listening to:

idina menzel & kristen chenoweth :: for good :: wicked soundtrack

hello twenty ten. this songs perfectly describes how i feel about the people in my life. they are the people who have helped me become who i am today. and while others might have contradicting opinions i am very pleased with the person i have become. i say this often, but it's so true. the people in my life are a-m-a-z-i-n-g. everyone of them. God has blessed me tremendously. He is a GOOD God, and He reminds me how good He is everyday.

if it's true that how you spend your new years eve is a preview of how you will spend the rest of the year then i have a REALLY good feeling about this year. glorious.

i am ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY head-over-heels IN LOVE with london, england. i should've known. i've been obsessed with the united kingdom for as long as i can remember...london in particular. it is officially my favorite city. sorry nyc. i still love you though....

i want to marry a british man. they are PHENOMENAL. everyone of 'em. they believe in skinny jeans, oxfords underneath sweaters, skinny ties, blazers, messy hair, labels, drinking hot tea out of tea cups REGULARLY, theatre, traveling, the importance of education, proper grammar spoken in the sexiest accent EVARRR, chivalry, amazing footwear, long coats, scarves, and did i mention these are 100% straight men? the epitome of what i have longed for for twenty three years. i ADORE them. when in rome...do as the romans do. and so i did. i've never understood why people go on vacay and never get out of their comfort zone. when i go somewhere new i want to get the most out of my experience. i want to do as the locals so that i can see the way others live outside of my little bubble. i feel incredibly sorry for people who have no desire to see what else is out there. i'm not talking about someone who doesn't have the means to go. i mean people who have no want to see anything else other than their own zipcode. there is so much world to be seen, and i want to see every inch of it. poor grammar grosses me out to the core. probably the quickest way to turn me off. nails down a chalkboard. i know it sounds snobby, but if it is your language learn how to speak it properly please. my fave kind: the messy kisser. i appreciate someone who doesn't mind getting outside the lines. nothing is fun about being neat. kthanks. neat isn't passionate or exciting.